My Best Version

Life isn't hard. Life is simple when you have nothing you are in love with. Life is riding your bike with no hands up and down 2nd place. Life is peeing in buckets because you're 3 and you can. Life is jumping off roofs with your friends and playing football with the boys at recess. Life is getting tucked in by your parents and sleeping with the lights on. See, Life is easy.

Love is hard. The kind of love where you put everything you have and are into it. Whether it be to your darling, your children or a passion of yours. Love is hard because sometimes love lets you down. Sometimes it lets you down easy, and sometimes it drops you hard. Like when your three year old says, "You're a mean Mommy!": that's easy. Or when are on your knees begging that your spouse won't be taken from this earth just yet: that's hard. If you didn't have your love invested in it, then you wouldn't care about it.

The catchy part is, is that nobody ever tells you when you are trying on your gorgeous white wedding dress, that marriage is hard work. And nobody ever warns you when you're 9 months pregnant with your first, second or even third child that you are in for the ride of your life. Even I don't give these warnings. You know why?

Because the good always outweighs the bad. Marriage is divine and it is lovely having someone to share your life with. And it is also hard work. You have to work at it everyday but it is worth every smelly pair of socks and all the hogging of the blankets at night. Raising children is the greatest blessing we are given. A gift from a loving Heavenly Father. A gift that requires your best efforts but it is worth every boo-boo kissed and every load of laundry completed. It's okay to have hard days. They make the good days that much better. Kinda like the saying I've heard for forever, "We wouldn't know hot if we didn't know cold."

Love is hard. But Love is the best thing on this planet known to man. Love makes us happy. Complete. Fulfilled. And Love makes us do crazy things. And it always, always outweighs the bad. I don't know much but I do know that I love my life: My husband. My children. My family and my friends. I know that no matter who is watching or listening I am myself, and I try my hardest to be the best version of myself everyday so that every night when my head hits the pillow I can sleep peacefully knowing I have given that day my all. But every now and then when my head hits the pillow, it hits Bronson's 'Batmobile', and that never feels good.

Nonsense Shmonsense +

"I like nonsense:

It wakes up the brain cells.

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.

It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope....

and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities." --Dr. Seuss

Have a great weekend full of lots of nonsense, from our home to yours.

xoxo

But He's Our Superman

Mr. C can't talk. It's not that he won't but he can't, due to the stroke.

When he got his talking valve for his trach I thought,

"Today is the day. He's going to talk."

Nothing.

They thought maybe his size 8 trach was too big so they decided to switch it to a 7 a few days later. I waited anxiously. When the day came, as the Respiratory therapist were doing the switch, I thought again,

"Yes! Today is the day I will hear his voice."

And yet again, nothing but a whisper of rambling words.

The Respiratory therapists said,

"Well maybe when his trach comes all the way out he can talk. That happens to some people, you know."

On Friday, they took his trach out. And it was shortly after I realized that it wasn't those obstacles from the trach preventing him from talking, it was his brain.

He doesn't seem like he is fully here but he is here. Mr. C knows exactly what he wants to say but it comes out as a jumbled mess. Mr. C gets really upset and frustrated at this. Who wouldn't? He is all cooped up in his brain and has no where to go, nothing to say, and he has to listen to me gab at him 24/7. But he is here. Alive and here and ready to make a full recovery.

Before, we were focused on survival. I was focused on the words of the Doctors that first night, "We don't know if he'll make it. And if he does we don't know if his life will have meaning." I was focused on that and Mr. C was striving to defy the odds. And he did. He made it. He isn't the infamous Superman but he got here. Sometimes he needs reminders of why he fought, sometimes I need a reminder of why I'm proud to keep fighting with him. My Dad has a quote in his room that has been there since I was twelve. I thought about it often, and now I think about it everyday. So on a gloomy afternoon for Mr. C, I thought of the quote and told it to him:

"Anybody can handle the battles of just ONE day. It is when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down. Let us live one day at a time."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. And I said to him,

"It's so true. Don't think about what you already went through, or what you have to go through. Think about today. Today you can handle. We can conquer today."

You want to know a secret?

Sometimes when I tell him things like that....

I'm really saying it out loud to myself.

Cheers to Today!

I Have The Larry

It's true. Larry found me and I have him.

Larry, as in Laryngitis. As in I can't talk... At all.

I used to think it would be cool to lose my voice but I was sorely mistaken my friends, and I want it back.

Because now I can't:

• Talk on the phone
• Order food/ Dr. Pepper's
• Call my children who are over the mountains and through the woods
  
• Sing in the car
• Laugh Loudly


• Make fun of Wendy Williams every morning
• Yell for help in case I am abducted

• Make Mr. C laugh
• Talk to the nurses
• Ever learn to play the guitar. Wait....

Anyway, the moral of this post is that The Larry is no good and talking is very very helpful. And fun.
But now, you see, Mr. C and I are in the same Non-Talking Boat and it is quite easy to sit and do nothing but look at each other alllll dayyyy.

And by the way, what do you think of my early Christmas card?
Awww shucks, I knew you'd like it.

Like Playing In A Lightening Storm

Mr. C was pushing 5 days with very very little sleep. I would say 4 hours of sleep in those 5 days. It was hard to see him so weak and tired and not being able to do anything about it. You can't make a baby sleep, let alone an adult. Sleep is important, especially when it is the only time your body heals. Our Bishop came in on the night of the fifth day and gave Mr. C a blessing. It made him feel better, it made us all feel better but what was most amazing were the inspiring words the Bishop said before he left.

"I know in your situation there's a lot of fear. Fear of where you are now and maybe fear of what lies ahead. But you have to have faith. Faith in our Father in Heaven. And Faith and Fear cannot exist together in the same room. If your fearful then you're not being faithful. You need to exercise your faith and turn it over to the Lord, it's in his hands. Just have faith that all will be well because it will."

Mr. C slept all night that night and all day the next day. I think he finally realized just that. I think we both did. A couple weeks ago I was borderline psychotic and I knew I couldn't live with the low spirits I was having. One night I was alone and I finally realized that it didn't matter. It didn't matter if he lived or if he couldn't pull through because either way it was going to be a beautiful life for us. Here and after. And I turned it over to the Lord. It was not in my hands. And now I will always know, when I have fear, turn that fear into faith and an amazing calm will come over you. I KNOW this is true because I have done it.

Like yesterday when I sent my babes to stay 9,000 {250} miles away from me at my mother in laws. I cannot be afraid that she will O.D. them on Dairy Queen. Or let them get frostbitten from the snow. Or just simply rub vicks on them if they get a fever.

Okay, now I'm hyperventilating....

No! I have faith that they will return to me just as they left....errr....

Ya know, Bishop never mentioned it was easy.

{or faith i'll win this at pepperblossom}

Why The 'Trick'? The 'Treat' Part I Get...

My earlier wishes of Mr. C 'trick or treating' with us didn't happen. But when I thought about it, he doesn't really like trick or treating....at all. So I think he set this all up just so he wouldn't have to go. Nevertheless.....

...... a most Happy Halloween from our family to yours.

And now for my most favorite month....

November!!

Jump & Shout Because...

...I am Happy about:

The lucky sock monkey--this little guy is a lucky charm. If you hold him, or say for instance, he sits on your hospital bed, it brings good things. And when he is not around, things go a bit downhill. So sometimes I hold him. Don't believe me? Tis' true. Ask me, and I'll mail it to ya. Just so you can try it out but only for a little bit...we can't go too long without luck, ya know?

My gold shoes--everyone, or should I say all the nurses, say they look like 'little girl dress up shoes' and I say 'they are from last season. i love them. yes, they blind me when the sun hits them. and no, i did not buy them in the little girl section.'

Mr. C's new eskimo {aka leg brace} boots--they are awesome. they keep him from getting drop foot. Some fancy smancy medical term {not really}, and I told him we are all set to go skiing with them. Or I guess they would come in handy if we ever got stuck on Mount Everest. You just never know...


My children--because they are mine & Mr. C and I made them. Sometimes Maddix picks us flowers and sometimes she just keeps them for herself. And sometimes she picks Grandmas neatly gardened flowers and throws them on the ground {sorry mom}. And in other news, Bronson must've heard the story about Mr. C flipping the nurse off, because Bronson flipped off a kid he was playing with. No, we did not teach him that and actually the kid who did teach him that was the kid he ended up flipping off. I set him straight. There will be no more of that so no need to worry any mothers who my children play with. Pinky swear.

The weather {sing it in an Opera like voice}--it was heavenly today. I was freezing cold, but it was heavenly. It felt like December. And anyone who doesn't live in Arizona, it was about 52 degrees today. Spring to you, Winter to us. I had on 2 jackets! I can't wait till things settle down and we get back out to the park to exert all of our energy. Brody and Bells, here we come!

This crazy picture--it reminds me of Brons and Madd meet Alice in Wonderland. Ya I know its nothing special but it does make me think of Alice In Wonderland which just happens to make me think of my childhood, therefore it makes me happy. Mr. C liked it too. Actually, no, he said it was creepy. Ehh, you can't win them all.

My blogging friends--wouldn't it be cool if I had a picture of you all. I love each and every one of you. I wish I could meet all of you and give you each a big hug. You have done so much for us by keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. How will I ever thank you? This is not a retorical question, really how will I?

Answered prayers--this is a cropped picture of Mr. C doing rehab today. Look at him go. He's sitting up and putting his hand and foot in the air. {still working that right side} I am so so proud of him. He is trying so hard, he really is. And he loves rehab...so far. He has it right in this picture: He is #1. Or at least he is my #1. Even more so because he mouthed "You look pretty" to me yesterday and I wasn't even wearing any makeup. I love you my Mr. C. Love you lots.

One more thing--my darling cousin is hosting a Blog sale and selling all sorts of treasured goods to help raise money for my family. I am a bit embarassed because lets face it, the only person I beg for money to is my Dad. But she is willing and I am so grateful to her. So go and check it out, there's lots of goodies and she put alot of work into it. Love ya Kels. {and thanksAmber and Jefferey for the watch donation, I love you.}

Keep Calm and Carry On

I have realized that you can't sit and ask the 'Whys'. You have been dealt your hand, and you should make the best of it, the 'Whys' won't fix it but we will find out WHY someday.

I came to the realization that you can pray as hard as you want for something, but Heavenly Father is not a magic genie. He is however so gracious as to meet our requests halfway.

I have realized you cannot give "25 cent prayers, and expect Million Dollar answers." {thanks Nik}

I have sadly realized that we never know how much we truly LOVE somebody until we lose them, or almost lose them. I hope that we can all live with no regrets.

I have accepted the realization that no matter how old I am, whenever I smell a fireplace burning in Mesa my mind wanders back to my 5 year old self, in my winter coat, holding my parents hands and walking to my Grandma's front door.

I have realized that we really must "Keep Calm and Carry On."

I have had the realization that all I need to survive is a Dr. Pepper, a magazine and a blanket.

I realized that it doesn't matter what advice people give you, we will always have to find out for ourselves.

I have realized that Nursing Homes kinda stink, literally.

I have graciously realized that the power of prayer is remarkable, and one person can feel the love and prayers that are coming their way. And that one person is really lucky to have people that pray for their happiness.

I had the realization that there is no greater gift than being an Eternal family.

I had the realization yesterday that watching your husband wiggle his paralyzed right foot makes you prouder than when you baby takes their first step.

I have realized that 'Thank You' and 'I love you', don't even begin to express the gratitude I feel in my heart.

And I have realized through this last couple weeks when I have felt extremely lonely, that really I am {and none of us} are never ever alone....ever.

Thank you for everything!

Yesterday & Today

Yesterday Chellis flipped off the nurse. "That's a good sign," she says.

Yesterday I lived off a Dr. Pepper and only used the nasty hospital bathroom once. It was indeed a record. Good job bladder!

Yesterday Bronson came up with the phrase, "Wow, just....WOW!"

Yesterday I read the CJane book and laughed a good portion of the afternoon. Take this for instance. Thank you to whoever put it in my bag.

Yesterday I got asked if I was my 17 year olds brothers Mom. Uhem, not only NO....

Yesterday I got a massage...on the HOUSE!

Yesterday Mr. C and I got to laugh about me almost slipping and falling on the hospital floor.

Today Mr. C got a tracheotomy. He gave me permission, I'm not a mean wife, I swear. Plus, now we can wake him up {probably Friday} and start rehabilitation. Plus, Plus.

Today I sang a little doo-dad to the nursing staff. We are all on a first name basis.

Today I met a new friend in the ICU waiting room who ate a habanero for $50. Awesome!

Today I was jumping and screaming like a complete girl trying to get a moth out of the house, and Maddix looked at me disappointed saying, "We need Daddy." 'Tis true.

Today I cleaned my truck. It was nothing short of a homeless man's house. But da-da-DA! I cleaned it.

Today I decided that no matter what gets thrown my way, I have never and will never wish for a different life because mine is BEAUTIFUL.

And P.S. Just tonight, I went to say 'Goodnight' to Chellis and he was awake. So I bent down to kiss him and he closed his eyes, puckered his lips and kissed me back. It was borderline first kiss feeling all over again. I wanna say it, I wanna say it....He's Back!

Mr. C Proposes

I have been wearing Mr. C's wedding ring for the past 10 days. I realized I twirl it when I start missing him, or get nervous. Then I look a mine. It's gorgeous and perfect and what I had dreamt of having. I look at the diamonds and think about Mr. C; how he carefully and meticulously picked all three diamonds, how he designed the setting. He is so proud of it.

The past, present, future ring.

I was thinking of the day he proposed. I had no idea. Which, by the way, NEVER happens. I know everything. Anyway, we drove to the jewelry store to "window shop" for my perfect ring. The lady handed Mr. C a ring, he would look it over, hand it to me and I would turn it down. "No, that's not it." and "Close, but it's not calling my name." Then the lady handed him a glowing three stone ring, he didn't look at it this time, just handed it straight to me. "I love it. It's soooo pretty. But it's too much, I'm sure, we'll find a cheaper one."

"But you like it," he asked.

"Alot," I replied as I handed it back.

He took it in his fingers and I watched him look straight into, he took a deep breath, and got down on one knee. I was trying to enjoy the moment, despite being shellshocked.

My Mr. C had already come down to the jewelry shop, carefully picked each of the diamonds and had them set into the perfect band. It was already paid for and here he was on one knee asking me to be his. To have and to hold. In sickness and in health. For better or for worse. Tears rolled down my face and his, as I blobbed out "YES." He had 2 dozen roses waiting for me in the back.

It was dreamy and perfect, but the best part was how special and sacred he took it. He wanted me, and he wanted to propose this marriage thing the best way he could think of. He planned it all out, went through all the motions and practiced the speech over and over. I was surprised. I didn't know he had it in him.

I look at the ring now:

I think of the present. How I never thought that one day it would represent the hardest trial we have yet to endure. I have been thrown obstacles and hurdles I didn't ever think I could manage but have. And my Mr. C, he has been given a mountain to move and he is slowly but surely moving it. Progressing day by day in the present, making the past become our comfort and the future become our hope. And like I said before....I had no idea he had it in him. He is so strong.

**Please pray for my love. Pray that he will get stronger everyday. Pray that his ability to fight will win over an ability to quit. Please, if you remember, pray. He is trying so hard. thank you so much. thank you for your sweet emails, your amazing comments and all your words of comfort and love. I love you all.**